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Below are the 20 most recent journal entries recorded in sssiamese's LiveJournal:

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Friday, September 23rd, 2016
6:18 pm


Captain America: Civil War, Goon, The Railway Man, The Taking of Deborah Logan, Thor: The Dark World

Friday, September 9th, 2016
9:27 pm
There are fireworks going off at a nearby park, the real kind. The kind that people plan ahead to send up and probably the kind people plan to attend. They scare me: not because of the noise or the smoke or that they make my dog bark, but because I hadn't planned for them. It's September 9th. I don't know why such a big celebration was today. I am scared I don't know what days celebrations are any longer. Maybe I don't listen to local radio enough and I don't watch the local news but now the fireworks are making my dog more agitated and me by proxy. My dog is pretty much all I have left after my divorce and I want to make sure he's more comfrtable than I am in the situation we are in. I don't like this kind of surprise, but it's been happening more and more to me: the dates of my friends' birthdays are surprises to me.The finale of the fireworks is done now and my dog has calmed. I fed him some leftover turkey slices and he seems to be the same as he was before the noise started. 
Wednesday, August 10th, 2016
2:27 pm
My name's Paul, and this is between y'all
In the style of Tim O'brien:

It was a bad time. Marriage was dead, and so was Job. Parenting was dead, having laid on Marriage as Marriage was killed. Credit had been dead for a long time. Self-Worth and Good Mental State had succumbed to dysentery. Checking Account was dead and so was 401K. IRA was dead. Health Insurance was dead. They were all among the dead.

My mind still gets stuck in loops. I still talk to myself in the shower, going over revised positions for arguments that either ended months ago or trailed off into nothing other than what I remember. I would have ended this argument better, would have chosen to start this one at a different time, in a different place, when fewer people were present. No one knows this, the conversations I still have with myself. But I have not been called an idiot. One person cheered when I broke the news, many offered hope for the future. I think I respect the ones who said nothing. Maybe they will reveal their true feelings later, around a campfire, when they are good and drunk and can say what they really want. When they are out of earshot of their wives.

It's important to write this down. I ran away through an open door. She said maybe you should just leave one night, and I did. Things had not been well between us for a long time. As of right now, I cannot think of another relationship for myself that doesn't involve me giving and the other taking.
Friday, October 31st, 2014
10:33 pm
Never remember who you are
A friend-coworker said to me more than a year ago:

You're the guy who, if we were in the same platoon, on a mission somewhere, set to capture some warlord, and on the way we were ambushed and you got pinned down and we had to leave you behind or if there was a mudslide you warned us about just before it happened and you got washed away down a ravine and we left you for dead, you'd be the one who, after we were captured by the warlord and were going to be executed, just as the warlord was ready to shoot our captain in the head, the warlord's head would be hit by a bullet. Once we were free, you'd present yourself out of the wilderness, give us the two-fingers-to-the-forehead salute, then diffuse into the background.

It would make a terrible movie.

Each of us has their purpose. 
Tuesday, July 22nd, 2014
9:19 pm
Fear Killa
Movies: Dallas Buyers' Club

The sting of violins of the music I have playing here in my office paints a worse picture in my mind than when I first heard them. Way Out West's 'Killa' is a song I've listened to in my car, at home, while I was drunk on the patio (though it will take much more time and reflection to try to pinpoint that exact moment when they sounded good). Now, every instrument strains my ears on purpose. Even the 4x4 beat threatens to unravel even though I've heard this song a hundred times. I've been picking out music for our wedding in September, but every song either has its own new dark accent or is duller and less memorable than when I remembered them the way I wanted.

Brooke and I used to like the same music, we used to share tracks, but now I think anything I appreciated back before I met her is in a different light now, a light that I wanted to keep tabs on, return to when needed, but one that I could keep as my own. The music I enjoyed I thought I had dominion over (it was mine before -- I was the only person I knew who liked it, who knew the names of it) has been earlier classified by her as 'our music.' But I'm starting to hate it. All music.

Is withholding the sense of dread you feel about how your world has/will turn out disrespectful of your partner, or can you hold it inside, safe from them, even though you're holding a ball of worthless dirt you keep turning over and over while more and more of it falls to the ground and is lost in the cracks of your life? The dirt is what I used to be, but it keeps falling to the ground and I have nothing to replace it with. What fills in the void? Family? So far, I am losing myself and don't have enough dirt to make anything useful.

I'm talking about the soul, one's purpose, and all I feel lately is nausea, Existential nausea. I heard that somewhere. I see the future of my family, but theirs is a branch on a tree that is upturned, hopeful, at the very least resilient, while I think of my branch as turning down, ready to touch the ground and wait to be picked at. There is a shade of color over everything I see that I have never defined. I don't know if I want to define it, but it would have to be the color of smoke-stained, uncleaned teeth. The sound it would make would be the furtive conversations with coworkers: brief with the even briefer upturn of a vowel one makes while smile-talking because they heard somewhere that makes you sound more interested: the facial mechanics of feigning interest, proven and practiced and now I use the interest to float to five o'clock and leave to return to...what? More disinterest? Why I have I become so disinterested in my life? I've experienced darker times for sure.
Friday, May 23rd, 2014
5:14 pm
Once again, back it's the incredible...
Movies: Lawrence of Arabia, I, Robot, American Hustle, Beasts of the Southern Wild, The Fall, The Flowers of War, Hemingway & Gelhorn, Iron Man 3, Killer Joe, Man of Steel, Oblivion, Only God Forgives, Samsara, Star Trek: Into Darkness, Youth without Youth
Thursday, February 28th, 2013
2:04 pm
Movies: Resonance: Human Frequencies, Skyfall, The Amazing Spider-Man, Looper
Wednesday, December 5th, 2012
11:30 pm
Movies: A Single Man
Tuesday, December 4th, 2012
11:21 pm
Movies: Micmacs, Underworld: Awakening
11:19 pm
Movies: The Iron Lady, Get Low, Jiro Dreams of Sushi
11:18 pm
Movies: The Mission, Coriolanus, Extremely Loud and Incredibly Close, The Hunter, Robocop
11:16 pm
Movies: Prometheus, The Avengers, Goats
11:15 pm
Movies: 50/50, Dune, Men In Black 3, An Education
Monday, August 13th, 2012
4:45 pm
Movies: Beautiful Boy, Roadie, I Melt with You
Saturday, July 28th, 2012
4:57 pm
Movies: The Dark Knight Rises
Sunday, July 15th, 2012
11:09 pm
Movies: Hunger, Machine Gun Preacher, Léon: The Professional, Hanna, Haywire, Melancholia, The Descendants.
Sunday, June 17th, 2012
4:32 pm
Movies: Waste Land
Wednesday, June 13th, 2012
12:24 am
Movies: Shame
Tuesday, June 5th, 2012
12:11 am
Movies: The Adjustment Bureau
Monday, May 28th, 2012
11:52 am
Inside Job, Objectified, Priest
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